U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
