Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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