So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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