i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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