I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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