your parents love me but you hate me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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