If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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