there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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