he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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