remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
