I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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