I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
