Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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