My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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