My sheets look like a crime scene.
My liver just broke up with me...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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