My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
it's like heaven, but drunker
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize