I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
