we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
