Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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