I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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