I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
