wat bout pragnant strippers??
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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