You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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