he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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