he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
