Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
