YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
