i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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