Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
