When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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