Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
