i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
