you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
