dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
