I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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