I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
