Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
