Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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