how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm like, not good at living.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
