You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
