There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
