My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
