I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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