just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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