You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Farmville is her only friend.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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