Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
