i just sent this text using only my big toe
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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