i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
