Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
