just come out here and I will go home with you...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
