I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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