"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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