false alarm. still invincible.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize