is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize