A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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