The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
