Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
