I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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